Welcome back for another addition of Your Impact Matters Monday! I’m honored that you have taken the time to read my humble blog.

My name is Janeen, and I was in an 11 year abusive marriage. My ex-husband continually berated me, made me feel inadequate, small, weak and fearful. He told me that I was stupid, and I believed him. He told me that if I went to college I would fail and no one would like me, and I believed him. He threatened to kill me and hide my body in the country where no one would find me. He held my  arms behind my back and shoved my face into the floor. He used Marine Corps fighting moves on me. He used police officer take downs on me. He wouldn’t allow me to have my own checking or savings accounts, and would withdraw any money from accounts I attempted to open (or he would take me to the bank and threaten me until I did so, even with accounts for the kids). He bought nice, expensive clothing for himself, but made me buy cheap clothing and shoes for myself and the kids. He didn’t want me to obtain medical or dental care for myself or our children, and when I did so in emergencies he would punish me. He made me diet and work out regularly, even when I was very thin, and would regularly tell me that I was fat or ugly or that I looked bad without my clothes on. If I did not comply with his requests, he would punish me by hurting me, saying mean things to me to make me feel bad, breaking personal objects that I loved, or withholding affection from me. Sometimes it was subtle, like coming home to find the rosebushes torn up from the ground or mowed over. Sometimes, he simply wouldn’t speak to me, or he would say things like “go change, you look fat in those pants, I’m not leaving the house with you in that outfit”. He never said he was sorry for anything in 11 years, and he never said that I was pretty. I did my best to hide the abuse from my children and everyone else that I knew. Most of the abuse I suffered was not physical, and he would laugh and joke that he new how to hurt me without leaving bruises. When I left, it was because my husband began abusing my son as well as myself, and his neglect of us was at a point that my children were really suffering.

I tell you this so that you will know that I mean what I say when I tell you that I know exactly how an abused woman feels, and why she stays within an abusive relationship.

In my experience, there are five reasons that a woman will stay in an abusive relationship: Religious or moral beliefs, for the sake of the children, fear that they cannot survive on their own, fear of retribution from the abuser, and love. It is unfortunate that men and women who have never been in this kind of relationship accuse battered women of being stupid, or worse, of wanting or deserving to be abused. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to live in fear. Admitting that you do not understand why a woman stays in a relationship is honest. Adding to her abuse by demeaning her for her choice is simply unkind. Right now, everyone is talking about Chris Brown and Rihanna. I’ve seen some awful comments about her and her choice to allow Chris back into her life. Celebrity or no, it is extremely difficult to break away from an abusive relationship. It requires an inner strength that has to be nurtured and cultivated, a support system of strong women, courage, and a knowledge of self-worth. It also requires an awakening that the man you are in a relationship with, the man that you love, is hurting you and that you do not deserve to be treated that way.

Beliefs are powerful

Religious and moral beliefs keep many women from leaving abusive relationships. Some patriarchal religions insist that women are the property of their husband, that men are the leaders of the household or that women are beholden or subject to their husbands. While allowing your husband to be the religious and financial leader of your household, and even deferring major decisions to him is not at all bad, allowing him to hurt you physically or mentally is abusive. Men can easily take advantage of religious belief systems in order to abuse women. Women also fall into victim roles, allowing or even encouraging their spouses to take on the role of abuser. In nearly every religious belief on the planet however, a man and woman can have a loving partnership where both contribute to the relationship and the family without abuse. For some people, this isn’t possible without counseling, or at all. Religion should bring you joy and peace. It should not subjugate you or force you to live in fear.

We want our children to have two parents

I had two children with my abusive husband. I felt strongly that my children needed their father, and I thought that I would be a bad mother if I took them away from him. Because my husband’s abuse was directed at me, and not at my children while they were very young, I thought I was doing the right thing by staying with him.  Unfortunately abusive spouses often begin abusing their children as they age. If an abusive parent uses physical forms of punishment (like spanking), that punishment can easily get out of hand and turn abusive. If a parent seems to get joy out of the physical punishment of their children, if they leave welts or bruises, or if they demean, embarras or otherwise mentally berate their child, that is abuse and must be stopped and reported immediately.  Asside from being abused themselves, children who witness abusive behaviors are extremely likely to fall into the roles of abuser/victim when they enter into relationships themselves. We must protect our children from continuing these cycles of abuse.

We can’t take care of ourselves

I moved out of my parents house, and in with my boyfriend at 18. I immediately became pregnant and got married. I never lived on my own, never had a personal checking account, and had never even seen a movie or went to a restaurant alone. I was completely dependant upon my parents, and then on my husband. When the abuse began shortly after my husband entered the Marine Corps, it never entered my mind that I could possibly survive on my own. After having two children, it was much worse. How could I take care of my self and my children? How could I afford to live, to buy groceries, to pay the rent? My husband made it worse by continually reminding me that I needed him, and that I couldn’t possibly take care of myself without him. He made me feel inadequate at every opportunity, hoping to ensure that I would stay and continue to feed his need to abuse. He also regularly told me that the children and I were a burden to him, making me feel more inadequate and to even feel guilty about holding him back! He would never allow me to do anything independant, discouraging me from doing anything that might empower me. I followed him where he wanted to go, and even left jobs that I loved and excelled at when he wanted to move, contributing to my feelings of inadequacy and inability to care for myself.

If I leave, he’ll hurt me

I was terrified for years that my ex-husband would hurt me. Long after I left him, I had dreams of him breaking into my home and hurting me. I feared for my life. He had threatened me so much during our relationship that I believed that  he would really hurt me, or kill me when I left him. Because we had children, we had to see each other for custody exchanges. Every time I was near him, the hatred he had for me was palpable. Some men flat out tell their spouses that if they leave, he’ll kill them or their children. Trust me when I say that we believe it! Fear is unfortunately, a powerful emotion.  Overcoming fear is extremely difficult for all of us, but especially so for those that are continually bombarded by threats, pain and deflating verbage.

When you love someone, you love them forever.

I believe that when you tell someone that you love them, and really and truly have given them the love in your heart, that love lasts forever. Those feelings can be overshadowed by pain, grief, anger and disappointment, but they are still there. Many people who are outside, looking in at abusive relationships are confused as to how someone could possibly love a person that harms them physically or mentally. Are you in a loving relationship? Could you just leave that relationship if the person you love makes a mistake? The women in these relationships are in love. They care deeply for the abuser, and many women spend uncounted hours in tear-filled prayer that they’re spouse will change his ways. They try to suggest counseling when he’s in a good mood, or ask a pastor or someone they trust for advice. They will try everything that they can to “heal” their relationship and their spouse because they love him. Loving someone isn’t stupid, and forgiveness is a beautiful gift that we share with those that we love. A woman in an abusive relationship finds herself feeling that the anger and abuse that her spouse is showing her is somehow her fault. That she must change and be better so that he can love her more. She isn’t thinking that “This guy is abusive, time to hit the road and find a better man”. She loves him, and that’s all that matters. Love is a powerful emotion - THE MOST POWERFUL. An abused woman feels that her love for her spouse will heal the problems in their relationship.

I’m writing this post, mostly just to explain to people the reasons women stay in abusive relationships. I was so hurt for Rihanna when so many people all over the internet spoke out against her and her choice to take Chris Brown back into her life after she was beaten by him. She does need to escape the relationship, and Chris absolutely needs thereapy. He will not stop being abusive, and she may not be able to escape her victim role that she plays with him unless they are separated, perhaps for ever. It would definately be best for both of them to split, and seek counseling separately. However, I know why she returned to his abusive embrase, and I wanted to share my thoughts on that with my readers. Basically, this post is about understanding, not necessarily impacting for change. There are so many domestic violence hotlines, centers, counseling services, etc. out there that to post about them here would be redundant. For me, I found that being in a network of strong, independant women who encouraged me to follow my dreams and to find my strength was integral to my transformation from victim to overcomer. Those women did not continually tell me to leave my husband, instead they lifted me up and told me that I was strong, smart, and capable. They helped me to see that I did not deserve abuse, fear or pain in my life. They gave me strength to demand a better life for myself and my children, and to find an environment where we could feel safe. I’m the one who had to take initiative, and it took me about three years to actually get the courage to leave once my transformation began. If you have a loved one who is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to seek counseling immediately - without their spouse. A professional will help them to see that they need to get help, get out, and help them to build a much needed self appreciation. If you are in an abusive relationship, and you relate to any of the above. I’m here for you and you may email me any time. Also, please get help. Seek a mental healthcare professional and get counseling. If you are being physically abused, please please please speak with a law-enforcement officer immediately. It is the safest way to end the abuse. Law enforcement can remove the abuser from your home, and help you to find the support that you both need. Call your local battered women’s shelter if you are afraid. Call now. Take your children and get help. Don’t wait. Call a woman that you trust, someone strong, and tell her you need help.

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