I can’t wait to be a grandmother. That job is so easy! No matter how many children you already have, grandma is free to be excited and overjoyed about the possibility of a new birth. They don’t have to worry about anything at all…they just get to hold that little sweetling and coo and kiss and spoil. That’s their job. sigh I wish mine were as simple.

Yes, I’m pregnant…with number FIVE. We had actually discussed planning for another baby, and I was hoping to try for a boy this time. We were discussing it, but not actually trying when I got pregnant. A small part of me was thinking that the discussion was “safe” and that I could change my mind or come to my senses and it wouldn’t actually happen. Four children is plenty, right?

When we took the test, we were both certain that I was just psyching myself out again. You know, I was late, and thinking about babies and I probably was just freaking myself out and wasn’t really pregnant. When the test read “pregnant” (Don’t get me started on how freaky that was reading the word instead of a couple of lines…that was really weird), both of us literally jumped back away from the test and began bouts of maniacal laughter. It still hasn’t really sunk in.

Fear. I’m starting to think about all the uncomfortable bits that come with my pregnancies. Orthostatic Hypotention. Gestational Diabetes. Morning Sickness…all day. Dizzy Spells, swollen legs & feet, weird skin issues complete with blemishes, skin tags and rashes galore, and the worst of all…a cesarean. Another cesarean. Yes, I’m terrified…and that is just the tip of the iceburg…finances, space in  our already too small house, homeschooling and blogging during my spacey, tired, moody pregnancy. So many things to worry about.

I normally have this policy that I’m only going to post about happy joy joy things on my blog (and Twitter), but where’s the real life in that? I’m not really a big complainer (um…please don’t ask my family to confirm that. I’m allowed my own delusions), and I don’t normally air dirty laundry or weird neurosis out in public. But I’m a bit freaked out about being pregnant again!

Morning sickness is hitting me already, hard and fierce and I’m so very tired. I wish I could sleep all day!! Five minutes after a nap and I’m ready to go back to bed again. Ugh

Oh and here’s where I get really selfish…I have a three year old, and a 19 month old. So, I’ve been collectively pregnant and nursing now since October of 2005. That means, no caffeine no alcohol and no travel for me. I know that a lot of moms still drink coffee, still have a drink every now and then and still do a lot of the same activities that they did before being pregnant, but I’m simply unable to do so. Half of the time, I’m on bedrest! Ugh, my pregnancies are no pick nick… and the self-imposed restrictions (like no caffeine) make things a bit worse. What am I thinking?!!

That all being said, I AM happy that I’m having another baby. I do enjoy my pregnancies, even if they are a bit rough…and I really love the nursing experience. I can’t wait to feel the baby kicking, and to get some new maternity clothes! I’m looking forward to nursing again, having a little bundle to carry and to baby wear. I’m also trying to use EFT and affirmations to lay a path of strength and health during my pregnancy. I’ve always believed that we have an amazing power in our own minds to change our health and our emotional response to events around us.

It’s so easy to just let life take over and to go along for the ride on this one, and I considered just sitting back and either enjoying it or resigning myself to the adventure. But, now I’m thinking that I need to focus on being positive continually and use the Law of Attraction, my spirituality and the support of my family to make this an entirely joyful experience. There are going to be some challenges, especially since my trusted OBGYN has moved away, and this time around I’ll have a new one…and it will be a man instead of a woman. Living in a small town in an extremely rural community means no opportunities for Doulas, no VBACs,  and no options.

I’m thankful for my husband, Haydn. He’s working so hard to make a living and doing  his best to do it from home so that he can experience our growing family first hand and not have to be away from us like other fathers that work outside the home. It’s certainly a challenge for him, and we’re not entirely sure that it will all pan out, but I’m so thankful for his efforts. My two teenagers are such a big help. I’m not sure where I’d be without them. They give so much to our family, and have no idea of the impact they are  having on these younger ones! My mother and my husband’s mother both sacrifice so much for us. They are both so generous with their time and with gifts…I’m not sure how we’d make it if we didn’t have their support. We are so very blessed!

Everything is going to be ok. I know that…but I needed a bit of a vent. Part of me would very much like to just delete everything that I’ve written above, and post the pictures about our first week homeschooling and pretend these thoughts never happened. I wont do that though. I’ll let you read them. I’m sure that some of you will comment here and lend a bit of support, advice or just a smile…and those things will make this cleansing all worthwhile. Thanks in advance for reading my blatherings. Many blessings to all of you!

Janeen

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